i have just experienced a stark contrast between love and loss. love is my truth. love is the way i am, i live, it is life when the pool of water is still and just the simple reflection of myself is shimmering above. loss is the illusion that keeps us scraping the plate when we have already eaten. it is a mentality of scarcity. there is not enough and especially i am not enough. that is what we are thinking and feeling, unconciously and this deep error creates suffering and a violence to our everluving, satisfied, and ready and willing to give soul.
i have had a treasure taken from my jewel box and it was taken by my own unconcious drive to eradicate the genuine and good inside me. i have a lost my faith in a best friend and love has lost faith in me and i must recupperate it. i must bend my head. start over again. i must root down deeper deeper deeper. give myself tru protection from what is false.
my false action came from a place of fear, and a place of doubt. i took what was not mine, i gave what was not god. i became a beggar in this act. a cheap version of myself. something like going to mcdonalds rather than eating a plate of home-made pasta. quick fixes are never solutions.
i have grown up with a fear around my body, my femininity and my deep urge to luv and create. how is this possible i ask myself? how do i fear the gift of god, the miracle of life, the beauty given to me. my mind wont accept myself. i realize i have a destructive element to my character. there is some level of violence that tries hard to escape who i am. tries to convince me that i just am not good enough.
what does it mean to be good enough? good enough for what? good enough to be a wife, a mom, a person worthy of happiness, what is this role of life that i have created that seems like an impossibility. like a standard too high to reach. to be a creator and a member of the family. is it so impossible? my unconcious mind does not see the mixing of family and creative work. this is probably one of the reasons i am far from my family presently; simultaneously i am doing excavation work. i have gotten my hands dirty to feel, see, breathe whats real and where i am from. this is a deep devotion to my family and to luv. it is also a dedication to living the present fully conciously and aware of what is.
sometimes in the dark places, going into dark memories, there are the real fruits, the jewels , the naked truth, where in time everything unfolds just as it should.
maybe the violence on our soul is an awakener; a reminder that freedom is never granted; creation and expression is a freedom we must on a daily basis dig and sink our teeth and claws to protect and it is not always pretty. a dark force inside each of us will try its best to put blindfolds on. blind our capacity to see clearly. this is why art is so pivotal to living a tru life. it demands we have our eyes wide open, our hearts soft to take whatever blows. sometimes it also requires waiting. no words. silence.
AWAREness is everything. we dissolve the past and we create the future from a conscious present ( aware that past, present, future always is lived now) is out of the pristine awareness which we call consciousness, the life energy behind the form life takes , and the saying “yes” to whatever form life presents to us), this is the act of transformation. what tru art should aspire to do…by hanging on to WHO has hurt us is a dillusion. this is what creates war. this internal distrust of the other. it is useful to learn from mistakes in the past, it is also usefull to be aware that we create our reality, so whatever is not working outside is an inner reflection of internal unconciousness .
what is internal unconconciousness? not being aware that there is pain to be accepted and transmuted inorder to live fully free in the here and now. this is an act of tru forgiveness.
i begin to rewire myself like a computer or maybe more like a guitar amp. the channels are open. i am picking up the highest frequency. i am willing to restore peace and the guardian angel at the gate. my sleepiness towards myself is my own responsibility.
i whisper ” forgive me” and give myself a new starting place.
i have let out alot of tears these past few days. i have dissolved my need for shallow gratification from people who simply do not deserve me. my mind has taken a washing. a strong sun light who i am eternally gratefull for has allowed me to witness myself. now i will allow myself to be really naked. naked with the truth of who i am and who i am called to be. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiVtVMU09Hc